define happiness

Would I rather be with the person who loves me or with the person whom I love more?

not good

It’s September – as in September the start of the “ber” months. It’s the start of the Christmas season here. Christmastime – with all the snow thing and stuff (except that there’s no snow here!). Well, anyway, it’s supposed to be cold but it’s definitely not! It’s still hot! As in HOT!

The weather has not been cooperating with the clock since May and everything is so, so wrong!

You know what’s worse? I’ve got colds. Can you imagine having a drippy nose, in a hot weather with the headache? Damn!

I’ve got so many things to do – school deadlines already passed (again)! And I can’t concentrate because I’m so pissed… Really!

Weather, work politics, school, and this freakin’ colds!

F*ck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

carrying on

"Even if you do things the right way, some would still be unsatisfied. Some will not appreciate what you say and what you do, and there would always be people who would let you down too. But as long as you speak honesty from the heart, you’ll be fine. This is not perfect world; this is not a perfect life. Life is almost always unfair, but life loves the person who dares to live it embracing the challenges of life."

This was one of the messages I received early this morning. I thanked Kaiks for sending this to me – this is actually the first time I thanked a consistent text spammer. Haha! Anyway, it surely made my day. But I’m still picking myself up piece by piece after the world fell on me.

Flashback last Friday, August 24th – I was about to have my lunch past 1pm when I got a call from our manager. He instructed me to be in a board room with him to have a talk. I was expecting a performance review since the September 1 is the start of the new fiscal year of our company and we (employees) are supposed to get notified of promotions and receive our salary letters indicating our salary increases. So, I got myself settled in the board room, our boss asked me about my contributions for my team/project. I smiled. I couldn’t think of anything – maybe because of humility. I wanted him to say it out for me. “I don’t know” was my humble reply. Then he gave me a crash course on how the company assesses employees’ performance, how promotions are made, etc.

He asked me the first question again – what was my contribution. I replied, “I am actually not sure… I came in when the team was about to start operations. I brought in processes I have learned on my previous job, I owned client satisfaction surveys and analysis, helped with reports, defined the team’s metrics… I don’t know if these can be considered contributions as I think I am just doing my job.”

“Dean, you don’t realize what your contributions are to the team. Your performance is superior above your peers. You made the helpdesk team the way it is. Your contributions were way beyond the management’s expectations. But… since you have expressed your desire to move out of the project, the management have decided not to give you the promotion. We could have given it to you considering your contributions and leadership skills, but as you want to move we decided not to. We want you to be ready for whatever path you will be taking. It would be difficult for you to move with a higher position, especially if you don’t have the technical skills that are required of that title from other project…”

I was an experienced hire. I did not undergo training. My job was to supervise a team. Since I am in a software development company, I wanted to try what most people here are doing. I don’t want to spend my career on the helpdesk or any call center-related jobs anymore.

I told my manager that I had a mixed reaction to their decision. I am happy, since eventually my wish of getting out of the project is being considered. I am also disheartened due to the fact that I should have gotten a promotion.

Our manager said that it is a win-win situation. As I already have transitioned some of my job to a co-worker, I could take in some responsibility that would prepare me when I move out. Finding a new project for me would not be a problem. On the other hand, the project would not roll-in a newbie to do the task that I will be doing. But in reality, I lost everything. I’m still stuck here.

A colleague has told me that I should have fought for the thing that I deserve. Maybe she’s right. But it doesn’t really matter anymore. The decision has been made and it couldn’t be changed anymore.

- - -

I came home last Saturday and told her about what happened. Tears came rolling out of my eyes. I’m glad that I was able to vent out my frustrations. It really felt good to let emotions out sometimes.

- - -

Anyway, looking at the bright side, I am still employed. I still got something to expect – a salary increase. Good days are still to come.

organizers

My immediate supervisor requested for some supplies at work. I didn't expect that he asked for my supplies too. I had everything that i need to do my job. Now, I don't know what to do with these stuff that he ordered for me.



These things have been lying on my workstation for some time now. I still need to figure out what to put on these.

Geesh! Don't you just hate organizing organizers?

fluctuations

Dean, namayat ka… (you’re getting thin)

O Dean, tumataba ka… (you’re getting bigger)

Yes, my weight is fluctuating. Some people from college or high school would say that I’ve lost weight. People I’ve met on my previous jobs would say that I’m getting bigger. Unlike most people who have maintained their figure through the years, I’ve struggled on being in shape.

My mom said that I started getting fat as soon as I had my first tooth extraction. It was hard to accept that I was already obese when I have graduated from high school especially when I didn’t feel like I’m one. Despite my size, had been able to do what other people can’t do, like cartwheels. The only difficulty that I had was finding the size of clothes that I wanted.

In college, I was a member of the badminton team. Due to the religious training that we had, I lost a little bit of “baby fats”. Time came when we had to represent our school for an athletic meet. I wasn’t chosen to play since the coach thought that I wouldn’t last on the day of competition.

I was a biology major. Most of my courses (specially botany) required students to explore the world. One time, we had to climb a mountain, Mt. Sto. Tomas I think. After the climb I got so sick and have not been able to attend classes for a week. I threw up everything I ate and had diarrhea. In a week, I lost more than 40 pounds! It was drastic. I felt so weak and most of all happy to shed all those weight. It was the start of living my new life. I said to myself never will I be fat again.

I transferred school. Joined the badminton team once more and this time I had the opportunity to play (but since I got so much to do, I decided not to go). I felt so happy being in the “new school” in my hometown where people I know since the beginning of time would compliment that I looked good. One time, in another school that I’ve transferred to, I was one of the heartrobs! Seriously! Hahaha!! Such fun memories!

I thought that the “dark” days of my life were over until I started working. Outsourcing is the flavor of the century. I worked in call centers – graveyard shifts, unscheduled meals, no exercise. The weight came back. In almost 4 years of working in shifts, I have developed hypertension. I didn’t realize I had this illness until I had myself check for a cough. My blood pressure reading on my check up was 140 – 80. The doctor asked me to monitor my blood pressure for a week and the results was a consistent 140 – 80 reading.

Hmmm… Now I know why I always have palpitations whenever I drink coffee. Okay, now I have a problem on how I could get a Starbucks planner for the next year!

I had to change my lifestyle. Good thing that my current assignment doesn’t require me to work at night. I have learned to control my diet. I had time for me to exercise. I lost a little bit of weight. Losing weight is not about aesthetics anymore (even if I’m doing this also because I’ll be in Boracay in a month!). Now, I am concerned about my health. Hope this time my weight won’t fluctuate up anymore.