still here

can't believe that i haven't posted for more than a month... so now where do i start?

here i am, killing time. my shift for the week starts at 11.30am. i don't like this shift much as it doesn't give me enough time to go to the gym. (yes, i'm back in the gym!) so to compensate for the time for not being in the gym for this week, i'm doing laps in the pool. (yup, may pool po dito sa may tinitirhan ko ngayon, shala di ba?)

all these things to keep me fit (again) is really burning me out. i hate aching muscles - muscles that really haven't made their presence shown in me (dahil labas pa rin ang katabaan ko!). but i'm hoping i won't get tired of this. you know what they say - no pain no gain -, and - beauty is pain.

- - -

work - would you believe - is good (would you believe?). as in, hindi ako makapaniwala na naaaliw ako na nagwowork ako ng todo - i think nasabi ko na 'to nung last post ko. hindi ako naiinip matapos ang araw ko. well, let's see if i still could remain positive at work 'til i start working in 12-hour shifts. (well the plan was for us to work on 12-hour shifts with 4 days of work and 4 days of rest - panalo di ba? haba ng bakasyon - pero parang araw-araw overtime. hmmm... so may oras maghanap ng ibang work? no, no, no! dean - be good!)

- - -

my mom will be celebrating her 50th birthday on saturday (birthday is actually on friday). don't know if she already had finalized her plan for her big day. 2 weeks ago ko pa nabigay yung gift ko for her - and she's really happy with it. haha! anyway, i can't believe that she's that old. it feels like she's the same when we were young.

- - -

i can't think of anything right now... anu 'to - writer's block? haha! feeling writer! now, i'm off to the pool. 'til next time!

last few days

konting clarifications muna para sa mga huling posts ko. una, hindi mo kalakihan ang sweldo ko. nagkamali lang po ng tax computation kaya nagkaganun. wish ko lang talaga normal yung ganun kalaking tax para malaki rin talaga yung take home ko, pero hindi talaga. tapos, hindi po ako titigil sa pagba-blog. bahagi na 'to ng buhay ko. ang gusto ko lang sabihin ay nagresign na po ako sa huling trabaho ko. yun lang. next time talaga maglalagay na ako ng details para hindi ako misunderstood. hehe!

ilang araw na lang pasko na. susunod, matatapos na rin ang taon. pagkatapos, makakaalis na ako ng tuluyan sa kumpanya na pinagtiisan ko ng dalawang taon... at dapat talagang 'pagtiisan' ang sinabi ko! haha!

nandito lang ako sa bahay ngayon. although may trabaho pa e dito ko na lang sa bahay minabuti magwork (kahit sa totoong buhay wala na akong ginagawa dahil paalis na ako). online lang ako para sa mga ad hoc na trabaho. 'di na rin ako pumasok kasi wala na rin naman ako aabutan sa office dahil lahat ng tao naka-work-from-home mode na. hay, sa lilipatan ko wala na ang convenience na hindi umalis sa bahay tuwing lunes at makipagsabayan sa mga papasok sa opisina.

bukas, bisperas na ng pasko. noche buena na. medyo kakaiba ang noche buena namin ngayon kasi kami na lang muna ng immediate family ko ang magsasama-sama. dati, kumpleto kami sa side ng mom ko nagsecelebrate ng pasko. pero ganun talaga siguro, nagbabago ang tradisyon. marami akong nami-miss. miss ko nung mga bata pa kami ng mga pinsan ko, daming regalong natatanggap, after magsimba, tutulog muna para paggising may mga chocolates at candies sa mga medyas na sinampay sa may pinto. miss ko na ang maghapong nagluluto ng mga ihahanda. higit sa lahat, miss ko na ang lolo. sa totoo lang, si lolo dahilan para mabuo kami ng pamilya sa side ng mom ko. tuwing birthday nya, nag-uuwian mga uncle at auntie ko. at ngayong wala na sya, hindi na definite kung kelan kami nabubuo.

tama na muna ang emote. dapat masaya kasi pasko na. mamaya, susunduin na ang paborito kong pamangkin. mag-offline muna ako sa work ng maaga para ipagshopping naman sya. hay. speaking of christmas shopping, hindi pa ako tapos. mga pinsang babae ko pa lang ang may regalo sa akin. habol na lang ako siguro. tutal, may isang araw pa naman.

watch together, stay together

remember that catchy tv ad that says 'a family that prays together, stays together'? hmmm... i really can't remember the last time we prayed as a family? did we? well, maybe in my toddler years. but hey! this post isn't about prayers nor God-related things.

yesterday as i was waiting for my day to end, i got a message from my bro. 'dean, sira na tv. wala na magamit. bili ka na bago' (translated as how my nephew would say: uncle dean... tv broken! no watch cartoons. buy tv!). yup, 'kuya' is not a word in my siblings vocab. anyhow, i replied, 'sige basta hati tayo pandown' (i need your contribution for our downpayment). well, i didn't (and still don't) have cash to pay for a brand new tv set so we're getting an installment. then my bro closed the deal by saying 'sige magdown ako pero kaw na bahala maghulog' (ok, i'll pay the downpayment but you take care of the installments).

you see, growing up i was never really close with my siblings. we had the same interests but had different inclinations: we like music, i prefer to play the piano while my brothers mastered the guitar; we play computer games, i concentrate on mind games, they battle online; we love food, i cook, they eat. 'nuff said. but there is one thing that we all like, yep, the television.

these days we haven't got a lot of time bonding (yeah right! as if we really bonded!). my family (i.e. me, my mom and my brothers - dad, is out there somewhere and rarely goes home) only gets to see each other on weekends - lazy weekends that are spent on laundry, eating real food and tv.

tomorrow, it'll be a weekend. there'll be no tv. sad. no more bring it on, ice castle, grey's anatomy, the practice, supernatural, sabrina, house, prisonbreak marathons. really sad. i hope the new tv will be delivered soon. i wonder how we will survive this weekend without one.

home

umuwi ako nung friday na nag-eexpect na nasa bahay ang mom at mga kapatid ko at may food pa na nakatabi para sa akin. almost every week, ganun kasi ang nangyayari. pero nung umuwi ako, walang tao sa bahay, walang pagkain. ang lungkot.

sobrang napagod ako sa byahe ko. 'di ko na rin natiis ang kalam ng sikmura ko, buti na lang lucky me dahil  may instant pancit canton pa sa tindahan ni lola. carebear na kung mamatay ako sa pacute pancreatitis sa pagtulog ko matapos kumain ng pancit canton basta busog ako bago matulog.

buti na lang may mga dibidi akong nabili kaya pinalipas ko muna ang kabusugan ko bago natulog. napaisip tuloy ako habang nakatunganga sa harap ng tv. nawari ko, wala man ang pamilya ko, masaya ako at nakauwi ako sa aming tahanan. siguro nga, dapat masanay na rin ako sa ganito. 'di na magtatagal, tuluyan na ring bubukod ang mga kapatid ko. darating ang panahon na minsanan na rin kung magkita kami.

4-eyed monster

nung isang linggo, habang naghahanap ako ng bahay sa may cubao hirap na hirap akong basahin yung mga signs sa mga poste. hindi ko na rin mabasa yung mga marker ng streets. dun ko nasabi sa sarili kong ayoko na ng ganun!

buti na lang may nakuha na ako sa medical reimbursements ko. nung sabado, nagpasama ako sa mom ko para magpakunsulta ng mga mata. pero bago pa ako magpatingin, todo sukat na ako ng mga frames. grabe, ang hirap palang pumili ng salamin! may isang oras din ata akong nagsukat. ang nakakatuwa dun, hindi pa sure kung kelangan ko talagang magsalamin. pero nung matapos ako sa pagpili, binigyan naman ako ng prescription para sa lenses na gagamitin.

syempre yung mom ko nahawa sa pagsusukat ko. ayun, pati sya humirit! buti na lang may dala akong extra! hehe! pagkatapos ng isa't kalahating oras, gawa na yung salamin namin.

medyo nakakapanibago nga lang kasi mas malinaw at mas makulay na ang buhay ngayon. pero hindi pa rin ako sanay magsalamin kaya hindi ko pa rin sinusuot ng madalas. paunawa na lang talaga pag minsan 'di ako makakilala pag nakikita nyo akong pakalat kalat.

march in march

saktong 4 years yung nakaraan, nasa bahay ako ng kaklase ko tinatapos ang aming design project (thesis) para makagraduate. ilang buwan din kami ng mga ka-grupo ko na laging puyat. pero, sa kabila ng pagod namin, hindi kami nakapagtapos. nagextend pa kami ng isang sem para maayos alng lahat.

ngayon, turn naman ng bunso kong kapatid na makapagdefense ng kanilang design. ang problema, laging nasisira yung circuit nila. mga ilang beses na rin na nareschedule ang defense at bukas na ang huli. ang kalamangan lang nila, at least napapagana nila yung design nila compared dun sa ginawa namin dati. ang huling solution nila dun sa "inconsistency" ng project nila ay paltan ang mga pyesa. buti sana kung ang gagawin nila ay simple baklas-kabit lang, syempre kelangan pa nilang i-reprogram ang mga IC's nila.

wala nang funds ang mga magulang namin pantustos para sa bunso namin. hindi rin sure yung mga kagrupo nya kung makakakuha sila ng pondo pambili ng mga papaltan nilang pyesa. buti na lang may nakatabi kami kahit papano ng isa ko pang kapatid. ilang minuto lang nakakaraan, nagtext si bunso. ayun, hindi na raw nila kelangang paltan yung mga pyesang nabili nila. buti na lang may technician dun shop at may warranty yung mga nabili nila at nagawan ng paraan yung circuit.

sana lang wala nang aberya sa defense nila bukas.

happenings

first, my arm and butt are still aching. thanks to badminton. yes, i'm back in the sport after more than a year. gee! good thing my former colleagues planned to have a fun tournament next week. yesterday was a practice game in prep for the tourney. sad that i won't be able to play with my original partner, grace. hope she'll recover soon after her operation (no, she did not have a sex change). but, i'm glad to play with jennibeth. by the way, grace is a ka-paksyon, while jennibeth was a former teammate from my previous project.


i just wish that i would continue to play the sport. i missed the eyeballs that vannie, grace and i went to. people from pinoybadminton and timogtitans were really nice. i think the groups that we used to play with do not exist anymore. sad.


- - -


on wednesday will be my mom's birthday. i am not keeping track of her age so don't ask me. anyway, i'm happy that she is another year older. i won't be here at home on her day but we've had a small party today. i bought a cake (black forest) and ice cream, and cooked pasta. my mom and i have always wanted that cake since new year of 1989 as part of our new year feast but it never did happen. i'm glad she's happy we had one now.

- - -


my favorite nephew (well, he's my only nephew) is here today. he'll be turning 3 in may. can't believe that time went by so fast. i just wish that he'll be able to have a long conversation with us. well, he doesn't have anyone to talk to when he's home at his mom's place. he's just left there with his lola (who mans their store) so he spends a lot of time by himself in front of the tv. good thing they have cable. and it is quite interesting to know that cartoons and cable tv have helped him speak in english (but not enough for a long conversation). take note, he even has the twang.


- - -


tomorrow's a holiday! nice! i haven't touched my laundry yet so i won't have anything to wear. i just didn't have the energy to wash my clothes as i am still nursing my sore muscles (or should i say fats!). i just hope that the sun would shine early tomorrow to dry my clothes in time before i leave for manila.

- - -

i wish that my laptop for work will be issued asap. so many things have been lined up for me to do. i need to keep up.


speaking of keeping up, i still got a lot of things to be reoriented to for me to function fully at work. i should have taken the certification that i have always wanted to take, especially now that i'm on the field that i want to be in.


to add to the pressure i'm having, since i still don't have any projects to handle i have been asked to 1) prepare a business case to purchase additional licenses for the main application that my team is using and 2) master the other applications that we have and take ownership of any projects should they require the use of those. i'm just laughing myself out whenever i think of the responsibilities that i have. imagine, defending the purchase of hundred of thousands worth of software license (oh yes, hundred thousands worth... in US DOLLARS!!!) which i don't have any idea of its full use so far and mastering software that i haven't even seen (since the i don't have the installer for it and it requires a group of computers for it to work).


anyhow, i'm enjoying the job. why? i get to be a licensed hacker! oh yes! packet sniffing is one of my main tasks. haha! how cool is that!?!??!


- - -


i've got a little more than 15 days before i get evicted from my apartment. any help in finding me a place to stay near cubao area will be highly appreciated.

in the spirit of Christmas

Christmas is almost over but I’m just starting to feel it. Well, climate hasn’t been cooperating and this has been the warmest Christmas I have experienced so far. Aside from that, I didn’t do any shopping for everyone. Gifts I bought were only for my brothers, lola, and aunt. Moreover, families on both my parents’ side were incomplete during our reunions.

This is the season to be jolly. It finally hit me when I shopped for my shoes. How selfish of me, but the euphoria of buying a present (the shoes, for myself) made me feel like a child again.

Yesterday, my mom and I went to Lumban, Laguna. She bought an office barong for me as a Christmas present. Another barong was also ordered which will be claimed next week. Yeah, it was still selfish of me, receiving the gifts. But as we were on our way, we stopped in Sta. Cruz to buy new sofas. It made me feel glad realizing that somehow, I have invested something for the family. (Well, I don’t usually give some of my wages to my mom but I try to make it a point to buy some things that the family needs. How materialistic of me, but at least I see where some of my earnings go.)

New Year is just hours away from now. Earlier today, my mom accompanied me to the grocery to buy food for medya noche and do some last minute shopping for my inaanaks and dad. It was really out of my budget for the month but, hey, I still believe in traditions. I just hope that my dad will be home. If not, this will be the first New Year that my family will be lacking someone. I was kinda hoping that he be home when we came back from the grocery but he has not shown himself. And, it just sank in me. Christmas is about family.

This year has really been rough for me. But is not an excuse for me not to celebrate and reconcile with my family. Lalo pa ngayon, alam ko na kung gaano kasakit mawalan ng isang mahal sa buhay.

... so help me God!

I came home one Saturday night. Found my mom, lying on the couch – tired. I didn’t need to ask about her day as my brothers, on their grinning faces, told me ‘si mommy, sumali-sali.’

I was actually shocked about the news. My mom, who has always been anti-fraternity, has joined one of the world’s largest fraternal organizations. I can’t blame her. My lolo and lola have been initiated in that society and I won’t oppose my mom’s decision if she wants to follow their footsteps.

Then it hit me. My neophyte days flashed in an instant. Yes, I was a frat-man.

- - -

Reporting is a process when neos bond with their ‘masters’ /‘ladies’. A lot of times, neos do things for their masters. Neos get to run some of their masters’ errands. There were times when neos would be asked to provide entertainment and other people would see this as public humiliation for neos. But the bottom line of this practice to get masters and neos to know more about each other. After all, they’ll become brothers.

- - -

Just recently, the country was affected by another victim of hazing. It’s sad news. Imagine all hopes and dreams of the victim and his family is all gone.

In my dictionary, I don’t call the incident hazing. What happened was a cold-blooded murder. Whoever responsible for the death of that kid, should be dealt with according to the law.

- - -

The first post that I held in our brotherhood made me responsible for our neophytes’ initiation rites. It was a big responsibility since it was my call to test our applicants’ loyalty to the organization. It was though to gauge the limit of each neophyte and then tell my brothers and sisters to cool down and stop during our rituals.

During our so-called finals – the final stage in our initiation process, everyone is reminded of our guidelines. We do have rules that are set for the safety of our neos – our brothers/sisters-to-be. We do literally draw the foul zones on our neos’ bodies. Anyone caught beating on these foul zones would be punished.

Fact, our neos get hurt. My brothers and I were all neos and we also got our experience of being beaten. Everyone in our so-called society has got the taste of our dreaded paddle. I won’t expound on the issue why this practice is necessary. But as I said, it is all about loyalty. When a neo yells ‘tama na, hindi ko na kaya’, then it is time to stop.

- - -

Well, I’m just glad that I’m still here alive.

homecoming

friday ngayon, last day of my work week. dala ko na ang travel bag ko, laman ang maduduming damit, pauwi ng probinsya. hay, ano na naman kaya ang dadatnan ko dun? kagagaling lang ng favorite at kaisa-isa kong pamangkin dun nung isang linggo, malamang hindi wala yun ngayong weekend.

more than 3 years na ako nagtatrabaho. nitong mga nakaraang buwan lang ako nakakauwi ng madalas. nagsawa na kasi ako mag-mall kapag walang pasok. mas gusto ko pa yung nasa bahay, nakakapagpahinga at nakakakain ng mainit na ulam. 'pag andito kasi ako sa maynila panay fastfood lang akong kinakain ko. ayan tuloy, pagtaba at hypertension ang inabot ko.

dahil mag-isa lang ako nabubuhay dito sa manila, lagi akong huli pagdating sa balita sa pamilya. yung tipong delayed reaction pag may namamatay kaya nung iniwan kami ni lolo, para akong timang na nag-eemote sa bus pauwi at solong humahagulgol pagdating sa amin.

sa aming magkakapatid, akong lang ang sanay mawalay sa pamilya. p'ano ba naman kasi, isa lang ang kinuhanan ko ng entrance exam nung college. 'lam mo na, sa komunidad kasi namin sa los baños, UP and others lang. heheh! ayan tuloy, sa baguio ako napadpad para mag-aral ng kolehiyo. tuwing umuuwi ako nun, nagugulat din ako. umuunlad kasi sa amin. nagkaroon ng malls, lumuwak ang sakop ng telepono at inabot ang bahay namin, at bahay narerenovate.

ilang oras na lang, pauwi na ako. ano kaya naghihintay sa akin? sana naman may surprise. lapit na birthday ko e!

family ties

“Txt k lang kung may problema k pa h”

This was the first message that I received this morning on my phone. It came from my dad.

My dad and I were not really close. Well, I could say that my family is not close to each other. We never tell anyone about our problems unless it is really big, like when my brother got his girlfriend (now his wife). There was even a point when I wished that my parents had to be separated. Anyway, we are still intact. I guess that it is just our nature to be quiet.

How I wish I could be open with each other. One time, when my mom and I had a little misunderstanding, we never spoke with each other for more than 3 months. Then, a lot has happened during that time and I learned from a cousin that my brother is about to be married. How sad because my brother had told our cousins about his problem first.

Three weeks ago my mom has been texting how I was. She knew about my issues at work. But she still kept on asking if I had some (bigger) problems. Mothers – they really can sense if something is wrong with their children.

Yeah, we all have problems. I got work issues to settle, delayed requirements in school, credit card crisis, apartment to stay on to, etc. The list just goes on and on. They say that we wouldn’t be adults if we didn’t face problems.

The bottom line is, we are not alone. I am not alone. I am glad to have received that message. Even if I don’t ask for any help, it reminds me that I could always count on my family.

reminiscence

Uwi ka ngayon.

It was my youngest sibling who sent me that message. I replied to ask why, but didn’t get a response. I called him, no answer. Then called my other brother and my mom, they didn’t answer my call. I know something bad had happened so I called my aunt. Her words “your lolo is gone” broke me into tears.

As with many people, my family is much closer with my mom’s side. My dad has always been away working and my mom has her usual trips for work. So, we were practically raised by my lola and aunt when we were growing up.

My lolo, was the first loss in my mom’s side of the family. It was not easy.

- - -

I went home immediately after I have heard the news. My lolo’s house is just beside our house. When I came home, I saw the lights and the casket. Tears were already falling from my eyes as I went straight to my room. I went out, saw my aunt and cried.

Sa tuwing umuuwi ako, hindi ako nagpapakita sa lolo. Hanggat maari ayoko tawagin nya ako para kumustahin. Hindi ko sya kayang makitang nanghihina. Naawa ako. Alam ko, na alam na mom ko na ganun ang nararamdaman ko. Kaya nung umuwi ako, mas lalong hirap akong dalhin sarili ko sa bahay nya. Pero nung sinabi ng tita ko na, “noong isang araw pa naghihintay ang lolo nyo, naghahanap ng apo” saka pa lang ako lumipat ng bahay. Sa kusina ako dumaan, sa likod ng nakahilerang upuan doon ko tinanaw ang mga labi ng lolo ko. Umiyak, yakap ang mom ko. Saka umalis uli. Ang hirap sa kalooban.

- - -

At times like this, you do not need to ask what happened. The story about what happened will be retold a hundred times. So, I kept my ears open.

- - -

Sabi nga ng uncle ko, malungkot dahil wala na ang lolo pero masaya dahil naiayos ni lolo ang lahat.

- - -

Hindi ko masyado kilala ang lolo ko. Bata pa ako nung nagretire sya. Alam ko lang, may malaking program sa office nila nun. Dami accomplishments. Sabi ko nga, kahit magpagod ako sa trabaho ng todo, hindi ko maaabot narating nya. Ngayon ko lang narealize na mas higit pa dun ang nagawa nya.

- - -

On his second day, I went out to do some errands. When I came home, I saw my keyboard near his casket. Our church deacon used it during the worship service for my lolo. After the service, my one of my uncle said that I play the keyboard for my lolo.

Yes, it was my lolo who made me study the piano. I was his scholar. But, I am not as good as before. I haven’t touched a piano in years. My keyboard is a little bit broken because I don’t use it a lot lately. Then my uncle said “tumugtog ka, ang lolo mo ang nagpaaral sa iyo ng piano!”. Tell me about pressure!

So, I played church hymns. Though I missed to hit some notes, it wasn’t obvious as the family sang along.

Then my uncle said, “Mac (my youngest cousin, 2 years old), said bye-bye papa (lolo)”. Then I heard him said, “bye-bye papa” several times and when I looked at him, he was crying. I couldn’t hold myself anymore so I left… and cried.

- - -

Before our minister delivered his message, one of the elders asked if someone could say a sort of eulogy for my lolo. My mom, being my lolo’s the eldest child, came forward and told her stories. As she was narrating hers, I remembered what my lolo’s last words for me.

Two weeks ago, I went to their small store in front of their house to get some laundry soap. I was surprised to see him by their door, asking me to get him a bottle of Coke. I know he meant a liter of Coke but I can only find 8-ounce bottles in the store fridge. So, I took a big bottle of Pop cola instead. Then, it was just lately that I learned he doesn’t drink Pop.

As a kid, my lolo would always ask me to buy drinks for him. When he was younger, every night I would buy him his Tanduay Rum and Hope cigarette. But as he grew much older, I would buy him his Coke and bread.

Si lolo, kung anu pinakauna kong naaalala sa kanya, yun din ang huli kong alaala.

- - -

Sabi ni lolo, sana raw magising sya minsan na wala nang nararamdamang sakit sa katawan. Yun din ang sabi nya kay Pastor nung dinalaw sya nito sa ospital.

Sa wakas, wala ka na sakit lolo. Tapos na paghihirap mo.

letting go

We didn’t talk much. But every time you speak to me, I feel how much you care.

I haven’t told you everything that I wanted to say. But this time, I hope that it is not too late. I just want to thank you for all the things that you have given me. I thank you for the lessons you have imparted. I thank you for the dreams that we shared. I thank you for all the sacrifices that you have made for me. I thank you, for being my lolo.

I remember there was a time that we didn’t speak with each other for so long. But when you have heard the news about my accomplishment, you were the first one to greet me. And when I turned my back on the path I was supposed to take, your words drove me to prove myself of what I can be.

I know, that my lifetime is not enough to do the things that you have done. We live in different times. I hope, though, that you will be proud of what I will become. I promise that you will be proud of me.

I am sorry, if in your last years I am not able to talk to you much. Seeing you since your the accident on my birthday has become difficult for me. I am not used to see you so weak. It was hard for me to see you on your bed. I am sorry, that when I went home last week, I didn’t bring myself to see you in the hospital.

I love you lolo. I wasn’t able to tell you that. I know that you are watching over us. I hope it’s not too late. I love you.